*yawn*

Posted 1 year, 1 month ago at 6:15 am. 1 comment

I feel pretty insecure sometimes.

It’s dumb and practically inexplicable, and yet there’s a persistant niggle- an importunate reminder of my numerous and varied imperfections.

Despite constant reassurance from many albeit subjective sources, I can’t help but feel like my glaring inadequacies are somehow diminishing my capacity for self improvement- something I feel that I’ve been lacking in for an indeterminate period of time.

Unfortunately for me, and I’m hoping this goes mostly unread, ignored, or skimmed absentmindedly, one of my greatest sources of happiness - actual, honest, grin-until-it-hurts kind of happiness is also one of my larger sources of inspiration for oftentimes mentally crippling self-doubt and negative self awareness. Admittedly, these moments of what almost always boils down to blatant stupidity are few and far between - even moreso as I find myself getting deeper into this.. this awesome thing.

Sometimes though, I get that feeling. The heart in the throat, stomach throuhg the floor, face warm and head dizzy, mouth dry and slightly ajar - until I sit myself down for a stern talking ot. Mostly when it comes to this - to him, I guess, I just don’t want to get hurt again. I couldn’t be more typical if I tried. Sure, I’d go through the miserable depressed thing, then the angry thing, and then a long, long way down the line, the vengeful thing. I can safely say I’ve never felt quite like this before, so I get a little bit worried that it’s going to really, really hurt when it’s done. He’s done this stuff before, I think I might be too young. There’s a couple of things that make me wonder, too, but I don’t think that’s particularly blog appropriate.

In any case, don’t mind me. I’m just feeling entirely too sorry for myself. I intend to write it off as a combination of PMS, my sore throat, and a lack of sleep - often a troublesome cocktail. Especially the sleep part.