Sunday.

Posted 11 months, 3 weeks ago at 1:18 am. 6 comments

I know there’s only six minutes of Sunday left (at the time of writing, I suppose. By the time I press the post button we’ll be at least 10 minutes into Monday), but I figure it’s okay to post from a today perspective rather than a yesterday perspective. I haven’t slept yet, so the justification is all there if necessary.

I haven’t posted in a while. For various reasons - laziness, busy-with-boy-ness, sheer exhausted-ness.

Also, because most of the things I do that would be of particular interest to anyone - especially from a written perspective - involve Nathan, and I was attempting avoid posting about him if possible. I had intended to keep the Nathan related posts to a minimum, to eschew any additional hurt and frustration. A little because it must be completely exasperating for him to keep having to justify himself due to my already well established habits. Moreso because I have a vague idea that it must be goddamn awful to feel completely left behind - especially if there’s a compendium of information readily available. I don’t know how successful my struggle with the lack of Ian would’ve been if there were constant updates - a veritable stream of the latest happenings in his life that I could bookmark and check at will. Knowing me, it would’ve been often. Scarily, stalkily often.

So, like I said. I tried to avoid it.

Despite my complete neglect of what is essentially a journal, and choosing to forgo all the subjects I’d usually ramble on about in great detail- the apparent deluge of individuals that find it interesting nonetheless is amusing, and actually kind of depressing. Amusing only because the concept of a personal website seems to be throughly mystifying - and not depressing in the pathetic way, notwithstanding my initial reaction to the idea that people could actually be bothered getting all flustered about something so meaningless.

I must admit, and I do so with a touch of regret, that upon hearing that my little old blog had been discovered, I was both intrigued and irritated at once. Then, I figured it’d be well within reach to use this to my advantage and considered posting sickeningly sweet anecdotes about how wonderful life is now you’re in the world and other Moulin Rouge related misc - but after some further consideration decided against it because it’d be as dishonest as pretending things are awful. They’re not.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is, I’m notably disappointed by the scrutiny. I was hoping that maturity would prevail and I’d be able to escape without the unnecessary drama. I find myself feeling like I’m in a passive aggressive, non existent but ever present argument with a school girl. What seems to make matters worse, and this is where the uncomfortable sympathy kicks in, is that it really doesn’t affect me so much over here. Like I mentioned - amusing, sure. Sad, definitely. Worthy of anything more than a long winded post? Not particularly. I’m not writing this for my benefit. I’m surprisingly comfortable with things exactly how they are.

(Of course, by ever present I mean whenever I go to write something about my life. I don’t mean during day to day life, that’d be.. well.. kind of stalkerish - but that’s beside the point.)

I guess I wanted to get this off my chest, and to say I’m sorry - and although it was more a probably more genuine apology before being accosted during an otherwise awesome morning - my willingness to modify my hobbies, as unusual as they might be, has all but disappeared. I’m not dismissing something I derive great deal of pleasure from, especially if the results are as fruitless as they have been. I don’t see the point in tiptoeing around if it’s going to remain a point of contention regardless of my efforts.

I strongly urge anyone who is upset, uncomfortable, or otherwise irritated by the somewhat superficial contents of my dumb outlet to find something better to do with their time.