Posted 10 months, 3 weeks ago at 6:15 am. 1 comment
I feel pretty insecure sometimes.
It’s dumb and practically inexplicable, and yet there’s a persistant niggle- an importunate reminder of my numerous and varied imperfections.
Despite constant reassurance from many albeit subjective sources, I can’t help but feel like my glaring inadequacies are somehow diminishing my capacity for self improvement- something I feel that I’ve been lacking in for an indeterminate period of time.
Unfortunately for me, and I’m hoping this goes mostly unread, ignored, or skimmed absentmindedly, one of my greatest sources of happiness - actual, honest, grin-until-it-hurts kind of happiness is also one of my larger sources of inspiration for oftentimes mentally crippling self-doubt and negative self awareness. Admittedly, these moments of what almost always boils down to blatant stupidity are few and far between - even moreso as I find myself getting deeper into this.. this awesome thing.
Sometimes though, I get that feeling. The heart in the throat, stomach throuhg the floor, face warm and head dizzy, mouth dry and slightly ajar - until I sit myself down for a stern talking ot. Mostly when it comes to this - to him, I guess, I just don’t want to get hurt again. I couldn’t be more typical if I tried. Sure, I’d go through the miserable depressed thing, then the angry thing, and then a long, long way down the line, the vengeful thing. I can safely say I’ve never felt quite like this before, so I get a little bit worried that it’s going to really, really hurt when it’s done. He’s done this stuff before, I think I might be too young. There’s a couple of things that make me wonder, too, but I don’t think that’s particularly blog appropriate.
In any case, don’t mind me. I’m just feeling entirely too sorry for myself. I intend to write it off as a combination of PMS, my sore throat, and a lack of sleep - often a troublesome cocktail. Especially the sleep part.
Posted 11 months ago at 11:42 pm. 1 comment
My bed feels so empty 
I never thought I’d get used to sleeping beside someone, but I have, and now I can’t sleep properly. (well, in the same bed as. I’m still getting used to ‘beside’, and I’m a few hundred metres away from ’snuggling with’.) I’m sure once I get to sleep I’ll be fine, it’s just those few minutes before sleeping with the murmuring sweet nothings and nuzzling down that I’m missing. You know, cold nose against shoulder, soft lips running exploratory kisses down the collarbone, arms draped loosely around torsos - careful, practised fingers and thumbs rubbing delicate patterns over warm, familiar skin.. it’s practically a pre-sleep ritual. And if it isn’t, it should be! (Note to self: Institute pre-sleep ritual as above..)
That said, I’m in a generally shitty mood actually. Put it down to tiredness perhaps - because my day was great. I did more work than usual whilst at work, which was fine, and I had a great evening hanging out with Ashley (who so graciously came and picked me up from work today, how awesome is he?) because of his horrible New Zealand blunder - but I’m just in a shitty mood
I’ll update with something more substantial tomorrow, promise. I’ve been working on a post for a couple of days that I can’t quite perfect, even though it’s great news. AND I have to fill you all in about how well camping is progressing. Oooer, also, Nathan booked a boat for this weekend 
Yay! Fishing!
Posted 1 year, 2 months ago at 11:48 pm. 1 comment
God damnit, Jessica is stupid.
Goodnight kids <3
Posted 1 year, 3 months ago at 6:03 am. 0 comments
WARNING/ AVVERTIMENTO/ Предупреждение/ WARNUNG/ AVERTISSEMENT/ ADVERTENCIA/ WAARSCHUWING/ê²½ê³
This is a hormone fueled, Gilmore Girls series finale inspired post-rant. It’ll be cryptic, emotionally charged, and not make much sense. If this doesn’t seem like the kind of post you want to read TURN BACK NOW OH GOD TAKE COVER COVER YOUR EYES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAVE YOURSELF DONT LOOK BACK.
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Now that’s out of the way and I’ve warned you all in a suitable number of languages (Yes, number. Not amount - but I’ll save that rant for another time) jesus CHRIST is there something wrong with me?
Firstly, I should’ve known better than to watch the series finale of a show I fell for so hard when I’m all hormonal. It didn’t end well in the days of my Greys Anatomy compulsion and it isn’t ending so well now. I bawled my eyes out, bawled ‘em out like a baby. No more Lorelai? No more Rory? It’s just too much.
That’s not the real problem though, no sir. That’s not the root of the issue. This is beyond fixing with goat. Goat is not providing assistance, no matter how cute and comical the subject of goat is. I know, I was shocked too.
I just feel like an idiot. I’d always told myself that I wouldn’t do this, and now I think I have. Not completely, obviously, because I still have the good sense to not be an idiot, but like.. I CAME CLOSE. SERIOUSLY. HOW STUPID AM I? Jesus christ. My thoughts were invaded. Happily! I happily let my mind wander in that general direction and I enjoyed it. Thankfully, I snapped out of it, and now I’m half upset that I’ve let myself get in this state, and half incredibly happy that I snapped out of it before doing something stupid. Well, stupider. Bigtime sigh. And now? Now I’m left sitting here with this.. thing. This stupid thing. I don’t know what to do with this stupid thing! While really, really humiliating, the stupid thing was actually kinda fun. Not even kinda. Just the normal kind of fun. Minus the kind of part. Just the fun part. I think I’ll need to scout around for more stupid things.
In conclusion, I am never watching anything remotely emotional while I’m all hormonal ever again. At least, not until next time. Seriously, it’s a painful emotional rollercoaster. Mostly crying though - I cry because oh god I’m just so happy and then oh god it’s just so sad and then oh god I’ve run out of cereal. This is terrible! I haven’t had one of these for a while. It’s okay though. Whatever. I’m tired. Tired and seriously considering implanon in order to avoid these mopey whatevers.
SO THERE. THATS ALL YOU GET. Get outta here, y’schmucks. I love you all. <3
Also PS. I miss Tom and Joel and wish to hang out with them at some stage soon. At their earliest conveniece, even. I know they don’t read the blog, but this is kind of a reminder to myself.
Edit ++: Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
Posted 1 year, 5 months ago at 11:25 pm. 0 comments